Nidhi • निधि

few days
few dates
few people
and
few incidents
you can never forget
no matter what happens in life

it has been a whole year
since that day
but i exactly remember every tiny details
of that day
of those days actually
how
how I have got the terrific news next day
how I have got numb after hearing that news
how my whole mind had shaken like hell
that how this could even happened
just how
I could not believe any of it
as I left you with a smile on your face…..in the morning.
until I went to see you from my own eyes….in the hospital.
i remember how I waited outside the hospital ward
just to see you once if you were okay or not
i remember how I could not even watch those pictures of your wounded hand…..people sharing after the incident.
did I cry in front of anyone ?
naahhhh
did I tell anyone how I felt ?
naahhhh

only me and me personal diary know that whole three months
the way I remember each detail of that day.
how I got to know…….I never wanted anything bad happen to you no matter how much we fought or disliked each other.
waiting whole night at hospital floor
just to see you once
requesting to the guard
that just let me see him once,
as it was inhibited to meet you in hospital room.. just after surgery
and
the first thing in morning….. seeing you lying on that hospital bed
I could feel the pain you were feeling at that moment exactly
even now my hand shivers
thinking about your that time condition.
the way I stayed in hospital even after knowing this could cause so many things for you.
you told me to go home,
but I wanted to stay a bit more with you
but I wanted to just sit beside you for hours
i did not want to leave you at that moment.
because my mind was stuck at you only
because I knew I was not going to see you till next few months.
did I do that knowingly?
naahhhh
did I want to create troubles for you?
naahhhh

my mind could not even process
what was right and what was wrong
at that exact moment
you have endured evrything
with a smile on face
you are just strongest…….one I have ever seen
I have so many guilts over that incident
sorry for not responding those calls when I was needed there most
sorry for not being there when I was needed the most
you remembered my name even in that condition as I work in same hospital you went in emergency
that was a bit overwhelming….even till now.
swear of god ………i did not know anything.
it was never knowingly……when it comes to you.
I might behaved badly with you at many times but I could not even imagine you getting hurt or even a little scratch on your body.

just before that day,
till the evening part………..(don’t know about you) but it was….one of the most beautiful day for me for few reasons (and always will be special).
but next day…
I could feel something is wrong
i was feeling anxious and suffocated
I told you in morning that I will be going home in evening after doing lab.
it was a bit dramatic but I felt that most strongly….something was not felling good or right about that day. I could sense that in my heart.
and it was not wrong
you were in pain
call it telepathy or any past life connection
I could feel your pain even without knowing anything happened with you
i did messages to you that I had not wanted to go home on diwali,
as I was going to miss you
without even knowing you were in that tough condition and bearing all the pain alone
I called you at that exact moment of incident once, without knowing what was happening with you, but you were busy on call
and
next day i got the news of that incident

and
when you woke up,
when I wanted to see you just once after months,
you made me reminded numerous times that “I am NO ONE to you”
you have had more important people in your life,
than me.
and they were your PRIORITY not me.
not gonna forget that ever.
when I asked “mere se koi matlab nahin”?
you replied “tumhe itna kyu matlab rakhna hai mere se, tum apne raaste raho…..main apne”
that was one of the countless times,
you made me cry again
i remember how I sat at my work place stairs
by just being numb and full of tears in eyes for hours…….just alone.
I went to temple, just sat there
and silently sat there for hours.
not because you were wrong.
i could understand that you were recovering and all this was normal. You getting frustrated was normal.
but….all I wanted to see you and be with you
as I was longing for you …….since so long.
as I was just craving to see your face…..since so long.
you won’t understand that feeling.
you will never understand…..what I have felt for you at those moments.
you will never understand…..what I have felt for you since the day I started liking you.
as it was always one-sided.

but again that was not your fault.
not blaming you for anything
it was MY FAULT since starting that I liked a wrong person.

till today,
whenever I see any ambulance
i just keep remembering you and thinking
that…..how you have endured biggest pain of your life
I could never imagine the strength of yours
now, when I see your hand…..all i can feel is you are the bravest one I have met in life.
facing everything and that’s too with a smile on face.
i know it’s hard.
i know it’s not like that as it seems.
i know how you feel at many times when you see that.

in future,
we may be in touch or not (counting days of that)
but know that,
sometimes I miss you the most
but know that
sometimes I go in flashbacks making myself remember everything
I am never going to love someone again
like I loved you
I am never going to attach with someone again
like I got attached to you
we may have had our past unfinished karma
that we met in this lifetime
and
all the unexpected turns happened.
I hope all the unfinished past life karma between us is completed now
i don’t wanna meet you again in any lifetime
i don’t wanna suffer again like that
i don’t wanna cry again like that
i don’t wanna lose you again like that …….even if I never found you
i don’t wanna you to treat me like that again

THE ONLY THING I COULD KNEW AFTER ALL… THAT
WE SHOULD HAVE NEVER MET
NEVER EVER
IN ANY LIFETIME AGAIN…….FOR MY OWN SANITY……!!

just stay safe and healthy
all i can wish and pray for you
no matter with whom you are
and yeah……..you could try so many times to being nicer and softer with me when you were so harsh.
I never wanted anything from you
just a little bit of softness, care and attention
all i craved for.
hearing your voice, seeing your face.
i was happy only in that.
i was happy in the comfort I got……whenever you were around.
but again………….let’s move on and past be remained in past.
we were not meant to be together ever
and
I have accepted that reality.

“आने को, जिंदगी में लोग बहुत से आयेंगे
कुछ तुझसे बेहतर, कुछ तुझसे उम्दा आयेंगे
ऐसा भी नहीं था
तेरे अकेले के साथ होने से
जिंदगी चल जाती.
और
ऐसा भी नहीं था
कि तू कभी पूरी तरीके से पास था.
पर जो भी था,
तेरे लिए ना सही,
मेरे लिए बहुत खूब था.
एक पूरा साल.
अच्छा बुरा, सही गलत
कभी वक्त मिला…..तो सोचेंगे
पर तू जो भी था,
आंसू, तकलीफ, हंसी और धुंधली सी उम्मीद,
कुछ वक्त के लिए,
कुछ लम्हों के लिए,
मेरा था……और “सिर्फ” मेरा था.
उस वक्त के आगे और पीछे की कहानी,
कभी वक्त मिला …..तो सोचेंगे.
पर अब वक्त किसको कहां,
सब कुछ धुंधला होता जा रहा.
शायद एक दिन, ओझल होगा आंखों से
और
दिल से
वो वक्त…..हमेशा के लिए,
पर जो भी था…..वो बहुत खूब था.
तेरे मिलने से लेकर…….तुझे खोने के डर तक का सफर
वो भी तब
जब तू मुझे कभी मिला ही नहीं
क्या खूब था
जो भी था.

as they say,

“तो क्या हुआ
जुदा हुए
मगर है खुशी..मिले तो थे
तो क्या हुआ
मुड़े रास्ते
कुछ दूर,
साथ चले तो थे
दोबारा मिलेंगे… किसी मोड़ पे
जो बाकी है वो बात होगी कभी
चलो आज चलते हैं हम
फिर मुलाक़ात,
होगी कभी”

तुम्हे दिल निसार करते
तुम्हे जां निसार करते
तुम प्यार करने देते,
तो तुम्हे कितना प्यार करते
इक बार……करने देते
तो तुम्हे कितना प्यार करते.
तुम्हारे सारे मौसम
हम बहार करते
तुम प्यार करने देते
तो तुम्हे कितना प्यार करते

आंखों पर तुम्हारी……अक्सर गजल सुनाते
कितनी वफ़ा है इस दिल में
हर दिन तुम्हे दिखाते
तारीफ हम तुम्हारी….यूं बेशुमार करते
तुम प्यार करने देते
तो तुम्हे कितना प्यार करते
इक बार…..करने देते
तो तुम्हे कितना प्यार करते

माना हसीं हैं लेकिन
तुम्हारी तरह कहां है
उस चांद को दिखाते
उसकी जगह….कहां है
छुप जाए बादलों में
यूं शर्मसार करते
तुम प्यार करने देते
तो तुम्हे कितना प्यार करते
इक प्यार….. करने देते
तो तुम्हे कितना प्यार करते.

दिल मेरा है नासमझ कितना
बेसबर ये……बेवकूफ बड़ा
चाहता है कितना तुझे,
खुद मगर नहीं…..जान सका
इस दर्द ए दिल की सिफारिश
अब कर दे कोई यहां
की
मिल जाए उसे वो बारिश
जो भिगा दे पूरी तरह.

क्या हुआ असर
तेरे साथ रहकर ना जाने
की होश मुझे न रहा
लफ्ज़ मेरे थे….. जुबां पे आके रुके
पर हो न सके वो बयां
धड़कन तेरा ही नाम जो ले
आँखें भी पैगाम ये दे
तेरे ही नजर का ये असर है
मुझपे जो हुआ
इस दर्द ए दिल की सिफारिश
अब कर दे कोई यहां
की मिल जाए उसे वो बारिश….
जो भिगा दे पूरी तरह.

तू जो मिला
तो जिंदगी है बदली
मैं पूरी नई हो गई
है बेअसर दुनिया की बातें बड़ी
अब तेरी सुनूं मैं सदा
मिलने को तुझसे……बहाने करूं
तू मुस्कुराए वजह मैं बनूं
रोज बिताना….. साथ में तेरे
सारा दिन मेरा
इस दर्द ए दिल की सिफारिश
अब कर दे कोई यहां
की मिल जाए उसे वो बारिश….
जो भिगा दे पूरी तरह.

if you start liking someone once,
and get into that person deeply
no matter what happens in life,
no matter how dynamics changes,
no matter what happens between you two,
no matter you start seeing someone else or new
but that feeling is never going to fade
it may be hate
it may be disliking
it may be bitter memories
it may be hurtful things you have faced
which you are never going to forget
but even after knowing everything
even after knowing every reality
even after knowing your foolishness,
that irk is always going to be there
that inch of forgotten piece of your life is always going to be there
you can’t escape from that
you can’t hide from that
whenever you are going to face that,
everything is in front of your eyes like an open book
that’s too without your consent
that’s too without your permission

do you want to remember everything?
naahhhhhh
do you want to remember how hurtful it was?
naahhhhhh
do you want to remember how the person treated you once?
naahhhhhh

but it is always going to be with you
but it is always going to sting you
like a poisonous substance.

as they say,

“भूलने को तो ग़ालिब पूरी दुनिया को भुलाया जा सकता है,
लेकिन उसको भुलाना आसान नहीं,
जिसे याद रखने के लिए आपने कभी कोई मेहनत ही ज़ाया नहीं की.
लेकिन उसको भुलाना आसान नहीं,
जिसने आपको अनगिनत कारण दिए हो,
ना भुलाने के.
अच्छे और बुरे………इससे क्या फर्क पड़ जाना है”

once SRK said,

“चाहे जो तुम्हे पूरे दिल से,
मिलता है वो मुश्किल से
ऐसा ….जो कोई कहीं है
बस वो ही सबसे हसीं है
उस हाथ को……तुम थाम लो
वो मेहरबान….कल हों न हों

हर पल यहां जी भर जियो
जो है समा कल हो ना हो”

the fact that,

शायद एक दिन आपको उस व्यक्ति से बेहतर
कोई मिल जाए, जो सिर्फ आपको चाहता था
कि
शायद आपको,
उस व्यक्ति से बेहतर खूबियां मिल जाए,
जो सिर्फ आपके बारे में सोचता था
लेकिन
शायद आपको वो व्यक्ति कभी नहीं मिलेगा,
जिसकी शुरुआत आपके नाम से होती थी,
और
जिसके दिन की आखिरी बात आपसे जुड़ी होती थी.
आपके बारे में,
आपसे ज्यादा सोचने वाला वो व्यक्ति,
आपके लिए,
आपसे ज्यादा समय सजदों में देने वाला वो व्यक्ति,
शायद आपको वो व्यक्ति कभी नहीं मिलेगा

बात बेहतरीन की भी नहीं थी,
वो कहते हैं न,
हर बेहतरीन चीज आपके लिए सही और सच्ची हो,
ये जरूरी तो नहीं
हर बेहतरीन चीज,
आपके लिए ही बनी हो ये जरूरी तो नहीं

as they say,

“मिलने को तो ग़ालिब पूरी दुनिया मिल जाए,
पर उस एक के ना होने से, इस दुनिया का मिलना भी
अधूरा ही लगता है”

“आ ही जाता है……..जिसपे दिल आना होता है
प्यार दीवाना होता है,
मस्ताना होता है.
हर खुशी से….हर गम से
बेगाना होता है”

“जब
एक ही चेहरे पर…..आकर ठहरती हैं ये निगाहें
हर दफ़ा
तो फिर,
क्या फर्क पड़ता है……इस दुनिया जहां में
खूबसूरती कितनी है”

“है क्या ये जो……तेरे मेरे दरमियाँ है
अनदेखी अनसुनी….कोई दास्तां है”

there are some pictures
i don’t delete them
i don’t visit them either
i just keep them on my phone
like something paused
not gone
not alive
i know if I am going to open them
something will come
may be a version of me
that I buried a long ago
may be a feeling
i am not ready to feel again
so I don’t touch them
i just let them sit
as quite reminders of
something I once hadj
as quite reminders
something I once felt
as quite reminders
something I once loved
and
may be not ready to let them fully fade.